sporadic....

So I am admittedly not keeping this site as up to date as I could be. Mind you not much is really happening that is worth writing about. I recently had another of my really good talks with my mother, those seem to be happening more and more lately, which is a nice change from the non-communicative state I was in for a year or so.

The flip side of this is the disturbing lack of communication I have been having with my best friend in the world, Lori. I'm not sure what is happening with that. She and I have been friends since I was 10. We grew up next door to each other, sharing every milestone. She is one of only 2 people I have ever had a physical fight with. She was the one person who would always understand WHY things made me feel the way they did, even when everyone else looked at me like I was crazy for reacting to it. Now, I can't even seem to have a short conversation with her. I don't know what to say anymore.

I trace this to her having her baby last year. Perhaps this is just an excuse, but her life has become so centered around this child, and I don't have that experience in common with her. I can't relate to the things that she is doing, feeling. I don't understand why she is acting the way she is anymore, when before I know instintively. Somehow I feel as though her becoming a mother has changed our relationship in a way that nothing else has ever done, she has gone down a road that I simply cannot follow. All those talks about me becomeing 'auntie' Amanda came to naught. When I have been around her son, I've been terrified to touch him, pick him up, or even talk to him. I felt like she was waiting for me to make some mistake with him, that she was silently judging me. I have never felt like that with her before, and I don't know how to come back from that.

Lori has been the closest thing to a sister that I have ever had, and I do love her in that way even now, but I need to find a way back to that relationship. I need to be able to have a conversation with her again, without feeling like the words are being forced. I know she feels isolated right now, I can tell by the emails she has sent, the things she has said when we have talked, and I can only surmise that the drift has been my own fault, so I will be the one that will have to take the steps to fix it.

I'm a little scared of that...