Dark Days

Yay!!!!

Ok, so here it is. Yesterday I did something brave, well brave for me, and I actually started writing something. Something more than just snippets of my life, like I do here, and something more cohesive than the flashes and images that fill the many notebooks I have hidden in the suitcase under my bed. Something that people are actually going to read. That is the scary part. I've written out scenarios and short stories that I've been very proud of, but that I'll never let anyone read, that will never grow into anything more than what they are now. To actually put something that I've written, that I feel so possessive of, out there for complete strangers to read and judge, is a completely new experience for me.

It is a Battlestar Galactica Fan fic, so those that may not like this particular genre of writing can tune out now. I for one have been an addict of fan fic for a while, and have been writing it in my head since I was twelve and Mj's fiance caught her in a hot tub with another man on the friday afternoon cliffhanger show of Another World. (I'd like to say that I'm making that up, but sadly I'm not...that is the scene, exactly). I was obsessed with the possibilities of that cliffhanger until the inevitable disappointment of the monday show brought me back to reality. Ha! It's always better in your head, right?

I don't expect everyone to love it. It isn't x rated, it doesn't careen off into some imagined universe (well...it lives in an imagined universe, Ha! but I am determined to stay true to the BSG universe and the possibilities that exist within that parameter), it just does what I was already doing in my head...it continues the story that I'm already in love with.

For anyone who might read this who has not discovered Battlestar Galactica, the reimagined series, let me just say this...I'd give up ALL of my other shows for this one at this point...and you can ask my boyfriend, that is saying something. I'm in full obsession mode right now. I myself only discovered it 2 months ago. I had every intention of watching the series from the beginning, but somehow I missed the beginning, and kept putting off trying to pick up the story mid season. Then I found the Season 1 and mini series DVD. I've now seen every episode, and am pining away that I have to wait until next October for Season 3 to start. Thus the fan fic.

Well, it is my blog, so I'll self promote to my hearts content. The story picks up immediately after the season 2 finale, Lay Down Your Burdens part 2, so if you haven't seen it there is a spoiler alert. I would love it if you'd read it, and I would really love to hear some feedback, both positive and negative. It is only the beginning, it is a work in progress, but I promise that it will be finished and it will be finished soon. I already have the whole story mapped out in my head, I know where it is going, it is just a matter of getting all of that out of my head and onto the screen. So bear with me.

And Yay!!!!
I'm a very happy girl right now. I feel like a proud new momma :)

Story is Dark Days, and is at fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2854441/1/

I am writing under the name Diana Belmont (my porn star name...tee hee...c'mon, we all played that game in jr high...the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on...)

and btw...

in a perfect world...people would always know where they were BEFORE they dialled 911 and asked for help. And by the way, 'just past billy bob's house on the way up to the green store' is not a valid civic address....

Of course I realize this is not always possible, but trust me, if it is possible it will be much appreciated by the person on the other end of that 911 line.

sporadic....

So I am admittedly not keeping this site as up to date as I could be. Mind you not much is really happening that is worth writing about. I recently had another of my really good talks with my mother, those seem to be happening more and more lately, which is a nice change from the non-communicative state I was in for a year or so.

The flip side of this is the disturbing lack of communication I have been having with my best friend in the world, Lori. I'm not sure what is happening with that. She and I have been friends since I was 10. We grew up next door to each other, sharing every milestone. She is one of only 2 people I have ever had a physical fight with. She was the one person who would always understand WHY things made me feel the way they did, even when everyone else looked at me like I was crazy for reacting to it. Now, I can't even seem to have a short conversation with her. I don't know what to say anymore.

I trace this to her having her baby last year. Perhaps this is just an excuse, but her life has become so centered around this child, and I don't have that experience in common with her. I can't relate to the things that she is doing, feeling. I don't understand why she is acting the way she is anymore, when before I know instintively. Somehow I feel as though her becoming a mother has changed our relationship in a way that nothing else has ever done, she has gone down a road that I simply cannot follow. All those talks about me becomeing 'auntie' Amanda came to naught. When I have been around her son, I've been terrified to touch him, pick him up, or even talk to him. I felt like she was waiting for me to make some mistake with him, that she was silently judging me. I have never felt like that with her before, and I don't know how to come back from that.

Lori has been the closest thing to a sister that I have ever had, and I do love her in that way even now, but I need to find a way back to that relationship. I need to be able to have a conversation with her again, without feeling like the words are being forced. I know she feels isolated right now, I can tell by the emails she has sent, the things she has said when we have talked, and I can only surmise that the drift has been my own fault, so I will be the one that will have to take the steps to fix it.

I'm a little scared of that...

Loving the green bathwater

I used to be quite good at communication. I used to be able to use language effectively and formulate my ideas in a comprehensive manner. I seem to have lost this skill. Or at least it seems to have atrophied. Time to exercise it a bit.

To start with, I'll rave about my green bath. I bought a colour bath packet at Little Mysteries yesterday...the turquoise is supposed to help focus concentration, communication and thoughts. I tried it out today, and I feel energized.

I spent the day yesterday with a work associate. I don't know her very well, we started at this job at the same time, and we work on opposite shifts. She is new to the area, so we got together to go to the Saturday Market at the waterfront. I enjoyed most of the day, save for the fact that I could not seem to form a single sentence. All of the things that I am interested in, passionate about, the topics that I really wanted to discuss, I ended up sounding like a moron. Like someone who says they know about this or that, but really can't back that up with any hard evidence. I'm not that way, but I was not able to demonstrate this effectively. I'll be lucky if I can ever have an interesting conversation again.

The disturbing part is that this is an individual that I feel must have been put in my path for a reason. I get a sense from her that we have things to learn from each other. I have had this feeling in the past, and it has never led me wrong.

The whole month that I spent in training with the others I felt isolated, which while not unusual for me was upsetting as I was not trying to isolate myself this time. I wanted to connect with these people and I wanted to build a foundation with them that could carry over into our work environment. Looking back now, I can see that I have started to form some connections, but they are taking longer than I thought that they would. Perhaps in the end they will prove to be strong because of it...perhaps the test here is patience.

We'll see...I'll keep you posted (ha!)

What?!?!? I Got The Job?!?!?!?

So, the six month interview is finally over, and if you can believe it, I got the job!!!!

I'm still in shock, because I had done that thing I always do, convinced myself of all the reasons I wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't get the job, so that I would not really be that disappointed when I didn't get it, but this time I did get it, so now I'm in an unfamiliar state, one of: Holy Crap! How did that happen!!!!

I'm taking a moment to savour the feeling.

Anyway, now that it is official, I don't feel that it will be a jinx to say that I am going to be a 911 Operator.

Doesn't sound glamorous to you? Too bad. It is a job that to me finally feels like more than just a job. It finally feels like a career that I can do, do well, and make a difference for other people while I am doing it.

So, now I am starting a new chapter.
I haven't done that in a while either. So this bodes well. It is a jumpstart out of the rut that I have put myself in, and perhaps the last chance I'm going to get to start again. I've done that so many times now, I was starting to think I wasn't going to get another opportunity to do so. I am very grateful that I am getting this chance.

Wish me luck!

Speaking of things moving in mysterious ways

About a month ago, my boyfriend's grandmother died. We had to go to Cape Breton for the funeral, and it occurred to me while we (Adam, Michael and I) were driving through the Cape Breton Highlands, that I hadn't been to Cape Breton since I was a teenager. The entire trip reminded me of that earlier road trip with Mom, Dad and Travis. The road between Adam's parents' house and his grandmother's passes right through Wreck Cove, which is where my family stayed oh so many years ago.

Needless to say the trip brought back a lot of memories. Way back when, we stayed with friends of my parents at the Wreck Cove General Store. On this trip, I wanted to stop in and say hello. I hadn't seen them since that trip, and thought that this would be a good idea.

On the day of the actual funeral, I got it in my head that I wanted to get a blank card for Adam's Mom and Dad, and write that verse in it, the one that had touched me so deeply after my brother died. I was a little bit upset because I couldn't remember it all, only a line here and there. So we decided to stop at the Wreck Cove General Store so that I could say Hi, and get a card.

The card that I picked up, out of the rack of blanks, was one of two that had a verse in it.

And it was THE verse.

I get goosebumps thinking about it. I cried a bit. I have decided that it was my brother's way of showing me that he knew I was thinking about him, and he was making his presence known. He was there with me, as he always is. I don't have to see him or hear him, but everyonce in a while, he will let me know that he is there, and that he knows he is remembered.

Again, here is the verse:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there
I do not sleep
I am a thousands winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there
I did not die

mary elizabeth frye - 1932

Dang!

(excuse the Napoleon Dynamite reference, Dang is my new favourite word)

Nemesis no more.

Andrew Younger found my site, what are the odds?!?!?

Could have been uncomfortable, I suppose, but he seems to see the humour in the situation.

I would just like to say for the record that I don't begrudge him any of his successes, in fact I am very happy for him. My whole point was to announce to the fates that I recognized their ploy, and to call them on it. Not tempt them, of course, but point out that I am worthy, too.

Hopefully now we can all move on. I've just gotten a promotion at my current job and am in the final stages of a lengthy interview process for another job that I want so badly I can almost taste it. I won't jinx it by naming it, but keep your fingers crossed for me. Perhaps the finite pool of success has finally levelled out, no longer leaving me in the shallows.

:) Here's hoping!

update on my nemesis

He won the election and is now a new City Councillor. I'm happy for him. I've watched a couple of sessions of council on the local cable access network, and it is DRY!

Power to him and his off leash crusade. I'm going back to tackling filmmaking. And learning French. And becoming a romance novelist in order to fund my real passion which is...well that has yet to be decided. But at least it will be funded.

Life is good.

Amanda.

My Nemesis

I have a nemesis. His name is Andrew Younger. He is living my life! Here's the history:

Grade 3: went to Bel Air Elementary school, was in same grade as Andrew Younger, we both went to the same enrichment class. I had a crush on him, he found out and informed me I could have a crush on him but I wasn't allowed to ask him out in junior high. This was moot, I moved away in grade 5, never thought I'd encounter him again. Still, the first in a long line of unrequited loves in my life.

Skip ahead to age 29: My brother has died, I've dropped my life and am stopped professionally in a rather large and seemingly inescapable rut. I have daily guilt that I don't put my time to better use. I think about volunteering my time, but as I am working shift work, can't find a time slot that I can guarantee I'll be available. Keep thinking there will be time to do this. Am in the kitchen with the TV blaring one evening when a commercial comes on tv profiling local causes comes on the air and a strangely familiar voice comes through the air. Sure enough, it is Andrew Younger, testifying to his involvement with a local food bank. He has one upped me again!

Following this: I get curious about Mr. Younger, so I google him. Turns out he has his own TV/Film production company and is considered a local entrepreneur. So Professionally, his is living my dream life as well. Things are starting to seem unfair. Also, he is happily married, so on a personal level he has also bested me, first by blowing me off at the age of 7 and now by acheiving a personal success that continues to elude me.

I think it is over, but wait...no, there's more! I've managed to let that go (or so I think). I'm moving on, making new, different plans. I see the municipal election signs going up everywhere, and I think, I like politics, I want to be involved. I decide for the next few years I'll go to the council meetings, learn about the issues, and in 4 years, I'll run. It is a good plan. A sound plan. A fulfilling plan. Then, as I am driving to pick up my boyfriend from his band practice, what do you think I see? Andrew Younger for City Council!!!!!! ARGHHHHH!!!!!!

So that must be it, right? I am really obsessing (but not in a scary way, really) about this now. He is my nemesis. There is a finite pool of personal successes, and somehow we are sharing that pool and he is getting them before I can. I call my mom, my rock, my voice of reason. I tell her my Andrew Younger conundrum. She says, hey, I know that name... I say yeah, because we went to elementary school together. She says, no! He was in the other day with his wife getting a portrait taken of the two of them. (My mom is a PA for Sherman Hines, a high profile professional photographer).

So I give up. He's everywhere. He is doing everything. All I can say is this, to you Mr. Younger. Let me know when you are done, and I'll start trying again.

No, I don't really mean that.

But for the love of Pete, leave something for the rest of us!