and btw...

in a perfect world...people would always know where they were BEFORE they dialled 911 and asked for help. And by the way, 'just past billy bob's house on the way up to the green store' is not a valid civic address....

Of course I realize this is not always possible, but trust me, if it is possible it will be much appreciated by the person on the other end of that 911 line.

sporadic....

So I am admittedly not keeping this site as up to date as I could be. Mind you not much is really happening that is worth writing about. I recently had another of my really good talks with my mother, those seem to be happening more and more lately, which is a nice change from the non-communicative state I was in for a year or so.

The flip side of this is the disturbing lack of communication I have been having with my best friend in the world, Lori. I'm not sure what is happening with that. She and I have been friends since I was 10. We grew up next door to each other, sharing every milestone. She is one of only 2 people I have ever had a physical fight with. She was the one person who would always understand WHY things made me feel the way they did, even when everyone else looked at me like I was crazy for reacting to it. Now, I can't even seem to have a short conversation with her. I don't know what to say anymore.

I trace this to her having her baby last year. Perhaps this is just an excuse, but her life has become so centered around this child, and I don't have that experience in common with her. I can't relate to the things that she is doing, feeling. I don't understand why she is acting the way she is anymore, when before I know instintively. Somehow I feel as though her becoming a mother has changed our relationship in a way that nothing else has ever done, she has gone down a road that I simply cannot follow. All those talks about me becomeing 'auntie' Amanda came to naught. When I have been around her son, I've been terrified to touch him, pick him up, or even talk to him. I felt like she was waiting for me to make some mistake with him, that she was silently judging me. I have never felt like that with her before, and I don't know how to come back from that.

Lori has been the closest thing to a sister that I have ever had, and I do love her in that way even now, but I need to find a way back to that relationship. I need to be able to have a conversation with her again, without feeling like the words are being forced. I know she feels isolated right now, I can tell by the emails she has sent, the things she has said when we have talked, and I can only surmise that the drift has been my own fault, so I will be the one that will have to take the steps to fix it.

I'm a little scared of that...